Re-Commitment Day

December 2009 - 290lbs

My 2 year anniversary is coming up. Two years of struggling with my weight, my (lack of) desire to exercise and my desire for Little Debbie's. The first year, for the most part, was pretty good. I found myself working out 5 days a week, usually 1.5 hours a day, with a nice mix of walking, running, and weights mixed in. The sometime around this time last year, it started to slow down. Last year at this time I am pretty sure I weighed about 252//254-ish lbs. This year I am hovering around 244-246 lbs. Unfortunately this hovering within this 10lbs range between last Xmas and this Thanksgiving has lasted ALL year. I thought it was a problem with my diet, perhaps I had hit a plateau or something. Maybe my body was just done.

Spring 2011 - Appx 245 lbs

I think it was more that I was just done. I had gotten complacent, bored and ho-hum about my weight loss. I was still, for the most part, working out consistently, at least 4 days per week. But the workouts had become nothing more than 3 mile walks. Good because I was still moving, bad because it was not challenging me or my muscles. Tracking food had become hit or miss. I would have weeks where I was on top of it, and then weeks where I winged it. Good because it showed that I had a pretty good handle on my eating, bad because I was not holding myself accountable. Add these together and you get a stalled weight loss regimen.

I am happy that I have not gained weight per se. Usually when I fall off the weight loss wagon, I hit a Boston Creme Pie and undo everything I worked for in a matter of months. So, I will give my self props for maintaing to 40+ lbs loss I achieved. But the time for maintaining, the time for good enough, is over. Its time to get back to my eagle eyed focus on the goal, a healthy body I am comfortable in, whether it be a size 10 or a size 12. I want to see muscle definition. I want to put on a little black dress and feel sexy. Not because I am "thin" but because I am healthy, toned and I am in the body I worked my ass off (literally hopefully, because it could be smaller!) for.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, due to some of the emotional upheaval I have been having with people around me, about how I want the people in my life to treat me. I want to be respected, not always be choice number two, and loved for who I am. But I forgot the most important lesson I learned 13 years ago when I stood up for myself and broke up with an abusive lover. No one will treat you any better than you either expect or demand to be treated. If you allow people to hit you, physically or metaphorically, they will. If I want to be number one in someones life, respected by those around me and loved for who I am, then I have to love myself, treat myself with respect and put myself first. That means not only carving out time for my creative pursuits, but focusing back on my health, my body and my happiness.

I want to be at 200lbs, the weight I was when I met Hayden (and while not perfectly healthy, I liked the way I looked then) when I walk across that stage for my law degree in May.

I recommit to my health today. I will work out my 5 days per week, and not just walk (I just bought a bike and boy are my butt muscles sore!). I will left weights, run and bike, and even still walk. I will write down what I eat, and be accountable on good days and bad. I will continue to blog once a month, or more when possible here, because I feel that people need to see that real weight loss is not 16 lbs losses per week on the Biggest Loser, but people struggling each day to be just a little better than the day before.

I will love myself and treat myself with the respect I deserve.