Daddy Dearest - A Vent

It's amazing how the man who formed the mental mess I am still putting back together can rear his ugly head and ruin my impending trip home. A little history: My dad is not my bio-dad. I found out when I was 13 that he adopted me soon after my parents married when I was three. The reason I never thought anything of it, is that I look like his side of the family more so than my mother, who is my biological parent. Life with this man was hell. He was controlling and abusive. I was constantly in fear of him, and never knew what would set anger off. (On the other hand, my mother is my best friend and I worship the ground she walks on. I love her with all my heart.) I have been out of the house since I was 19 and I still have nightmares of being trapped in that house again.

Fast forward, my dad and I, never the best of friends are now completely estranged. He disagrees with some personal choices I have made in my love life and what not and disowned me. To the point that my name is not spoken around him, my mom can only call me when he is gone, pictures of me are no longer out and I haven;t been home in 14 years. In fact in this years I have seen my mother 4 times when she came down here to see me. And every time she goes home I wonder will this be the time he finally gets so mad that she was with me that he hits her, or worse. As far as I know he has never raised a hand to her, but I put nothing past him.

So, now I plan on going up to NY in 2 days, something that I have been ecstatic from the time it was planned and paid for in January. I am going to stay with my BFF John and I am seeing my mother because she is going to her BFFs house, where I will be spending the night as well. Hayden and I have even been talking of moving to NY after I and he graduate. Of course today Mom calls and said could I put the kibosh on people mentioning my impending visit in the store where she works, we can't have it getting back to Dad and when I mention moving, her and I talk about it and I realize that I will forever live there with that man and the fear of him hanging over my head. Fear of him hurting my mom, myself, or other I love.

Now I am overcome with the fear that he will somehow find out I am up there and something will happen. And I realize I cannot be around him, even within 8 hours driving distance, ever again. Nor can I put my mom in danger of his anger of finding out I am in driving distance. I am still going up to NY this week, but I will not be moving there anytime soon, as much as it kills me to be away from John (the topic if our co-dependent, Will & Grace friendship is a completely OTHER post, lol). And I am going to have fun and try to forget the fucktard I have the unfortunate chance to call Dad doesn't exist. I also have to tell myself that if he does find out I was there and rage at my mother, she stays with him in spite of everything. I have to live my life to make myself happy, and for 11 years Hayden has made me happy, supported me, and loved me. And I can't give that up to make amends with a man who made my life a living hell. I am just so angry that he still finds a way to fuck everything up from 1200 miles away by simply being the close-minded bigot that he is. His presence casts a complete pall over my life and I am still dragging myself out of the cloud of poor self-esteem, hang-up's, issues and other things. I loathe him.